


disaster beans

by whereisthedamnlostandfound



Series: a vibes a vibe [20]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: CaptainSparklez is Tubbos dad, Gen, and lava May be wet, dream eret and crumb are all tubbos siblings as well, ranboo finds out that a living legend is his friends dad, seriously thats the fic, they never do settle that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29863695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereisthedamnlostandfound/pseuds/whereisthedamnlostandfound
Summary: Ranboo is an Enderman hybrid and he's heard the legend of the Goddess of the End and her Champion, CaptainSparklez. Tubbo is Sparklez son and while he knows his dad is a badass he also knows that he's a dorky man who loves building nuclear reactors and can't cook even with a gun to his head. Tubbo and Ranboo now have to reconcile these two different view points.
Series: a vibes a vibe [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969870
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	disaster beans

**Author's Note:**

> this entire thing can be summed up to
> 
> ranboo: he's impressive and highly skilled!!!  
> tubbo: he can't boil water!!!

Tubbo and Ranboo were huddled in Snowchester together while a bad storm raged around them. They were cozy in their shared house with a roaring fire in the fireplace and popcorn was quickly popping. 

"Say, Ranboo," Tubbo said out of nowhere, "do you have any fun stories to pass the time?" He shook the foil pot he was using to pop the corn and when no more pops happened he took it out of the fire. "The storm's kind of bad out there." 

Ranboo buried deeper into his blanket and hummed. "I've got an old story that the Endermen whisper in the wind," he paused, "if you're interested?" 

Tubbo grinned. "Of course I'm interested." He held out some popcorn and watched Ranboo try and dig his way out of his blanket burrito to grab it. 

"Don't laugh!" Ranboo huffed as he tried to pull one of his arms out of the blanket. He fell and slammed his face into the rug in front of the fireplace. His voice was muffled while he said, "It's not funny." 

"You just face planted into the ground Mr. Boo," Tubbo laughed, "it's hilarious. Ranboo squirmed his way out of the blankets and grabbed some of the popcorn.

"Do you want the story or not?" he said as he settled on top of the blankets. 

Tubbo gave him a side eye and snorted. "Oh please tell me your interesting story, Mr. Boo."

Ranboo snorted. "You're the worst." He wiggled slightly on his blankets and settled in comfortably again.

"It's said that there is a goddess whose domain is the End," Ranboo said. "She keeps the Ender Dragon as her pet and they whisper that all Endermen come from her. The Endermen whisper that she is the goddess of Balance and Justice. That she has two brothers, the gods of Chaos and Order. They call her the Lady Ianite."

Tubbo gasped and leaned in slightly closer to Ranboo.

"She has a Champion, her own guardian of Balance. They say he's the only Champion she has ever had. That he is by her side in every realm." Tubbo started to nod along enthusiastically. Ranboo looked at Tubbo and smiled. "The Endermen say that her Champion sails the realms and when there is imbalance he is there, captaining the sea of change. He's a strong fighter, armed with his bow and trident, there is little that can stop him when he puts his mind to it."

Ranboo leaned even closer and whispered, "One of the Elder Enderman once told me that he has slain the Darkness before."

Tubbo whispered back, "Does he have a name?"

Ranboo tilted his head and thought for a second. "One Enderman called him the Captain. Another called him Sparklez. The Elder Enderman who told me about the Darkness told me that the Champion's name was-"

"Jordan." Tubbo interrupted. 

Ranboo leaned back and really looked at Tubbo. Tubbo was sat ram-rod straight and he had a serious expression on his face. Ranboo licked his dry lips and he tasted unfamiliar Ender energy in the air. It was Tubbo. "How do you know that?" he whispered.

"The Captain's bow," he said, "was called the Bow of Balance? Right? And his trident was called Fork." Ranboo nodded. Tubbo's serious expression broke and he smiled. "Uncle Tom won't let him live down what he named his first trident."

Ranboo blinked. "Uncle… Tom…" he said. 

Tubbo laughed. "Yeah! Dianite's Champion! The Guardian of Chaos, Tom Syndicate."

Ranboo stared at Tubbo in horror. "How do you know that?" he exclaimed.

Tubbo smirked. "My dad's the Captain from the legend you just told me." Ranboo steepled his fingers and rested them against his mouth. He looked absolutely blown away by this new tidbit of information and Tubbo decided to make it worse. "He actually did kill the Darkness. He's done it multiple times actually." Tubbo looked up at Ranboo's absolutely baffled face and started to laugh.

Ranboo angled his hands towards Tubbo and said, "No. No. Absolutely not." He lifted himself off the floor to grab the blanket he was sitting on and threw it over his head. From under the blanket, Tubbo heard a muffled, "Sometimes you have to look at yourself and think what are you willing to put up with today? Not this." Ranboo peaked his face out from the blankets and looked at Tubbo's laughing form. "NOT THIS TUBBO." He buried himself in the blankets and hid from Tubbo's laughter.

After a couple minutes, Tubbo stopped laughing and Ranboo peeked out from under the blankets. "What's he like?" he asked quietly. "Is he as cool as the stories make him out to be?"

Tubbo snorted. "Oh he's definitely cool. Cool like a storm. Very cool to see from the distance," he paused, "but when you're with him you're aware of how much of a disaster he is."

Ranboo gasped. "Tubbo! How can you say that?"

"Easily," Tubbo replied, "Uncle Tucker when he met me for the first time said, and I quote, 'Jordan, YOU'VE HAD SEX?'. I was like, 7 and Uncle James smacked him upside the head but I still remember. Plus I have 2 older brothers so of course my dad fucks." 

Ranboo exhaled roughly and tried not to laugh. Tubbo leaned back and winked at him before continuing. 

"Dad also likes to make nuclear reactors in his free time. Him and Uncle X33n once had a competition to see who could make the biggest reactor run the best. Dad's had enderium fluid and it was 64 by 64 meters." Tubbo snorted. "Aunt Sonja makes these amazing brownies and he always eats three before I even get one. My dad can barely make  _ soup. _ Soup Ranboo! Do you know how hard that is to fuck up?" Tubbo's voice started to raise as he reached the end of his rant. 

Ranboo raised his hands in front of him in a placating fashion. "But he's the Captain!" he protested. "He's a legend!" Tubbo rolled his eyes.

"And he's incompetent at cooking. Lava is wet, the grass is green, my dad's a legend  _ and _ he sucks at basic household stuff." Tubbo looked at Ranboo's scandalized face and started to laugh again. "You're going to have to meet him so we can break you of this awe you have. He's a short nerd who likes explosions."

"I don't know what I have more of a problem with that you said. That your  _ dad _ , the Champion of Balance sucks at household chores while he has a  _ kid _ -"

Tubbo interrupted, "Actually he has like, three, kind of four. I'm not certain if Crumb counts."

Ranboo inhaled deeply and said through gritted teeth, "while your dad has  _ three maybe four kids _ or the fact you said, and I can't stress this enough,  _ lava is wet _ ." 

"Is it not wet?" Tubbo shrugged. "Seems wet to me."

"I-" Ranboo stopped. "No. No. I'm not doing this again." He looked at the popcorn bowl and said, "I don't care about the siblings thing. Lava is wet is what I'm addressing right now."

Tubbo laughed but it sounded stressed even to Ranboo's ears. "That's probably for the best. I'm not really on speaking terms with Eret or Dream. Crumb's the only one who I get along with these days." He turned slightly and looked at Ranboo. "You've met her, right?"

Ranboo slowly stood up. "I'm done. I'm going to bed. I am going to stew in my disbelief and horror at every piece of information that you have just told me." 

"World's worst marinade," Tubbo replied. Ranboo sighed loudly but said nothing.

Ranboo towered over Tubbo but he looked down at him kindly. "Night Tubster."

Tubbo grinned, "Night Ranboob."

Ranboo kicked him. "Say it back nicely."

Tubbo grabbed his leg and looked up at Ranboo. While fluttering his eyelashes, he said, "Night night my strong Enderman Prince." He fell back and laughed loudly.

Ranboo froze. "Not like that. Dear god not like that." He kicked Tubbo again but laughed alongside him. "I'm going now. Goodbye Tubbo." He walked up the stairs and left Tubbo alone.

Tubbo sat by the fire and listened to the storm as it continued to rage on. He thought he could hear the voice of his father in the roar of the wind and he hoped that his dad was proud of him despite everything that had happened.


End file.
